“I can do all things
through Christ who strengthens me.”
If you’re reading this blog post you were probably intrigued
by the title. For many of you, this is
your first time finding out—if, of course, you haven’t seen the original
announcement on Facebook that this was attached to, so…
SURPRISE! We are having a baby!
At this time I am 12 weeks—which is why I’m finally able to
share the news with cyberspace!—and I am looking forward to the second
trimester. First trimester was tough on me physically and mentally. For many women, the sickness and the energy
vary. For me, I experienced consistent
nausea and extreme fatigue. Most days, I
could handle the nausea by keeping crackers and soda pop close by. Few others,
however, were just awful when I’d be rushing to the bathroom to hurl my guts
out. Thankfully, those days were
few. But, the fatigue is no joke. I felt bad for my wonderful husband because I
thought I was boring. On the weekends,
I’d sleep until about 9:30 or 10, make a big breakfast, and pass out cold on
the couch again for a good 3 straight hours. OUT. COLD. And when I did finally wake up and move around
to try to find some energy, I felt like I needed to take a nap again just
several hours later.
But this post isn’t so much about how I was or am physically
feeling. Rather, it’s to reflect on the
myriad of thoughts that have been revolving my inner psyche and how the urge to
cling to my Lord has grown ever strong. I’ve
learned—and still am learning—an important lesson, one which I think is significant
to share with others.
When I first found out I was pregnant I was actually more
calm than expected. I was in the bathroom of our local planet fitness and the
little plus sign formed in the window of the pregnancy test before I could even
finish peeing. I packed my belongings
into the locker numbered “27” and made my way to meet my hottie of a husband on
the treadmills. I looked at him with a
smile, thinking, “you’re going to be a
daddy.”
The next morning is when it hit me. I wasn’t yet sure how to tell Gabriel, so the
first three days I felt very lonely. One morning in particular is when I lost
it. Gabe came upstairs to kiss me
goodbye, like he always does, while I was just waking up and sitting down at
the beautiful vanity he built to do my hair and put on my face. We said our “I
love you’s,” and he made his way downstairs.
As soon as I heard the door close behind him downstairs, I started
crying.
“God, I’m not ready
for this,” I sobbed. “I trust in you and accept your plans for
me, but I do not feel ready for this. Guide me.
Surround me. Be with me. Bless me, indeed.” It took me some time to gather myself.
I finally broke the news to Gabriel one night at the dinner
table, several days before his birthday. I gave him an early birthday gift; and
inside a little box wrapped with a golden bow was the precious announcement. Though surprised, Gabe was very happy. Over
the moon, in fact; and he has been continually since that day. I am able to share in the mutual joy and
excitement especially when he takes part in rubbing my belly and talking to the
baby, saying, “it totally hears me,”
or, “I think I hear the heartbeat!” or, “I
totally felt it move!”
You can’t help but laugh…
Though we are very excited, there are times, I must admit,
that I am still in the “freaking-out” phase.
After all, I just started a new career, moved out of state, and have
only been happily married for 8 months. Not to mention, our friends and family
are hundreds of miles away, making it hard to ponder how we will make things
work with the two of us holding full time jobs.
This little miracle growing inside me (did you know how fast it actually
grows?!) wasn’t exactly something we were planning so soon.
Because our little one wasn’t in our immediate plans, I
regrettably felt like I was often on the defensive. In fact, just a few nights ago while lying in
bed, I said to Gabe, “I feel like I have
to rationalize this to everyone. That is so wrong. This baby is a miracle!”
But, I often found myself in situations where I couldn’t help it. I’d break the exciting news to friends or a
co-worker, and immediately I’d say something like, “well it wasn’t our initial plan but God had a different idea;” or,
“I was meticulously charting but
apparently traveling over Christmas messed up my cycle and my signs were too
ambiguous to read…” It was like word
vomit. I could see the words pouring out
of my mouth and I just wanted to shove ‘em right back in.
I think it’s because I was expecting the common
response—which I’ve received a number of times already—from friends that went
something like this: “see, I knew you’d
get pregnant soon!” In fact, many of
our friends said, “I give you guys six months,”
or, “you’ll be pregnant before your first
anniversary.” Perhaps it was the crazy fluctuation of hormones and the
roller coaster of emotions that I was experiencing, but knowing those comments
were inevitable, for some reason, irked me to the max…as IF I have no idea how
to chart my signs or how fertility works… as IF the fertility awareness method
for natural birth control and pregnancy achievement is a hoax… as IF we weren’t
smart in planning ahead… as if everything is part of a personal plan when, in
fact, none of that even matters…
And why does none of that matter?
Because GOD’s plan is so much stronger.
Why did I feel the need to explain myself for the little
miracle growing inside me?!
Why do we, as individuals, feel that we need to be in
control of everything?
I was sitting in church this past weekend and the homily was
all about trusting in the Lord and clinging to Him for guidance, for it is with
His help that we achieve greatness. I
felt like the priest was speaking directly to me. Here I was, feeling solely responsible for
misreading my chart two months back, feeling scared and nervous and a whole
myriad of emotions that I can’t even explain. Excitement was one of those
emotions, yes, but the others were just as strong.
It was then I realized that, amidst the various emotions, I
must continually remind myself that the little life inside me—which, at this
point, is over two inches long and as
big as a plum!—is a gift from God! Our
Lord would not have blessed us with this miracle if He did not feel that we were
ready to be parents. And, knowing that this
is the path God has set before us is truly incredible!
I am not perfect. I
still experience days when I’m scared and anxious about the changes my body
will go through. As a woman who often inherently struggles with insecurities,
the inevitable changes will at times be hard to accept. That is when I pray hard to the Lord to guide
me and bless me through this miraculous journey.
Reading my daily pregnancy journal seems to help put
everything into perspective. It is so incredible to learn about the complex
process of fetal development. It’s
insane to know that, while going about your normal day, the baby’s heart is
beating faster than you can possible imagine and he/she is growing at an
unbelievable rate!
But, the most amazing part of it all at this point is
holding my husband’s hand, watching the ultrasound monitor and seeing the leap
of growth from week to week, hearing the heartbeat, and especially lying on the
couch at night in silence, while Gabriel lays his head on my belly and talks to
our little pea pod. And I know then, that everything is going to be beautiful.
That’s what I call…
Faith. Hope. And love.
That’s what I call LIFE..
